We Are Still Good.

I've had these thoughts swirling around in my mind for a few weeks. I think I've made sense of them now. Also, I'm a feelings sharer, so here we go...

This year has been a very difficult one for me, and at times has made me wonder about spiritual things. When I say spiritual things I mean faith, hope, prayer, God, religion, eternity, etc.

During the process of losing my Mom I remember my Dad saying to me, "If we lose her, God and I will still be good." (I'm so grateful for the strong faith of my Dad.) I remember thinking, "Ummm I don't know about me and God." I remember wondering if losing my Mom would be the straw that broke the camels back. 

If I'm being honest, I started to lose some faith during my fertility issues. You would think that now having three beautiful, amazing kids would restore that, but I was holding a grudge for the rough times. As I went through the process of losing my Mom, I found myself running through all the different emotions and questions. I wondered if I was still strong enough spiritually to make it through those days with my faith intact. 

Here I am six months later with a different perspective and a few of the answers I was looking for some time ago. 

I look back on the hard times and can see Gods love for me manifesting in ways that I didn't realize at the time. Even when I wasn't reaching out for Him, and in fact, I was pushing Him away, He was there reaching for me. 

This past General Conference, it was said that "the Lord is in the small details of our lives." That stuck out to me, because I started recognizing Him at times when I previously couldn't see. 

1. I realized that the Lord led my child's path exactly where it needed to go, despite my resistance for His help. My son is loved so deeply that his loving Heavenly Father was creating the perfect path for him. I wasn't necessarily in the best place to lean on God, but He helped me along to make sure my son was getting the best. So, despite my own weakness, the Lord compensated to strengthen my son. 
2. He sent people to me to reduce my stress/anxiety. I'm a talk it out person, and sometimes I would just start talking to someone about something and get exactly what I needed. At times it would seem insignificant, but I would later look back on the conversation as a turning point. How did these people know exactly what to say in order to help me? I believe that God was reaching out to me through them. My whole family has been shown so much love. 
3. He gave me a very clear and strong answer about my Mom. I resisted God a lot the week I lost my Mom. At first, I was sure everything would be ok, and then when I realized it wouldn't be, I pushed Him away even more. I was definitely optimistic for most of that week. I continued to believe that she would get better, and everything would be fine. I tried and tried to convince everyone else of that too. I'm a nurse who happens to work on the exact floor she was on in a different hospital. I had seen some of what was happening before. I was convinced this was just another hospital visit for her. The morning we lost her, I woke up feeling anxious. I was driving to the hospital to see her again and received a very strong impression. I suddenly knew that I would lose my Mom. I lost it immediately and showed up to the hospital a mess. We lost her later that day. Looking back on that time, I would wonder why I could be so oblivious and positive. But I have come to the conclusion that I needed both the optimism and the strong answer at the end. (I almost don't want to say answer, because I was refusing to ask.) My optimism protected me from a week that could have been even harder, and my strong answer at the end gave me the realization I needed to accept what was happening. The optimism I had didn't totally erase my anxiety, sadness, and fear that week. It did cushion me from completely losing it that whole week. The strong impression I received on the car ride over was given to me loudly through ears that didn't want to hear. It let me know that this was His will, and it was right for my Mom. I won't ever question if it was the right time. I needed the optimism AND the strong answer for peace. 
4. My sweet, perfect :) Lyndy Loo. I waited four years for that squishy baby. I wanted her so badly and begged to get her. I tried fertility treatments when I didn't get her. I stopped fertility treatments when I didn't get her. I gave up trying for her. I got calloused towards prayer. Yet, I got her right when I needed her. I have had other people recognize this and comment to me about it. I got my sweet Lynden right before I lost my Mom. My Mom was able to meet her and love on her, and I was able to love on her when I lost my Mom. I often say that Lynden has been my bright sunshine through the terrible storm. I just look at her and smile. I don't know if she'll ever realize how much she saved me. All my family saved me.
5. I still have my Ben, and he is healthy. We recently had a scare with Ben's health. I woke up to Ben having a seizure-- which was one of the scariest things ever. I immediately started praying for him to be OK. I had previously thought in anger, "What is even the point of praying for something if God's will is going to happen anyway?" When I immediately started praying during the seizure, I got my answer. My turn to prayer was automatic. I turned to the Lord for help and peace. I needed a clear mind and to feel that we were being watched over. I got both of those things. My amazing brother-in-law came and took Ben to the hospital. After they left, I had a pretty good freak out, but then I was calm. The following days of continued tests and questions were all easier because I had peace that everything was fine. I didn't question if Ben would be ok again. I remember getting to the hospital after getting my kids taken care of, seeing him asleep on the ER bed, and just knowing he would be well. It was a hard few days, but it was easier with the comfort of the Lord. 

I see His hand in my life. I can't deny it. Even while I resist, His love is perfect. This year has been a doozy, and I have been allowed to go through a number of trials. It's easy for me to throw my hands up and think "give me a break here!" It's easy for me to feel picked on or angry. But my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have been with me through it all, and I see that. I see that even when I don't believe in myself, they believe in me. I see that when I don't think I can make it through, they know I can. 

I'm a work in progress, and I still have much to work on. I definitely let certain things slip this year and feel like I missed out on even more blessings, because I was unwilling to get them. BUT what I've witnessed in my life this year is that God doesn't give up on you ever, even when you give up on Him. That is amazing. 

So, me and God-- we are still good.