My Grief

Well here it is. The thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind since losing my Mom a month ago. I know I haven't invented grief. I know I'm definitely not the first one to ever feel it. Im not the first person to ever loose their Mom or a loved one. I'm just going to share what I know about it. I know I probably have much more to learn, but I'm going to share what I have learned in this short time. 

(I started to try and order these a certain way, but I'm just going to go with what comes to my mind first)

One thing I have learned is that loss can bring you closer to some people and farther away from others. Some people immediately show up and want to take some of the burden. They let you know they are there and just love you. I haven't always been good at that. Before I knew what grief felt like, I sometimes would avoid grief in others, because I didn't know what to do or say. I have heard that a lot. "I don't even know what to say..." But I have learned that just even saying that means enough. Trying to comfort me has meant enough. In my grief I haven't needed anyone to say the perfect thing.  Honestly, because words don't really help when you loose someone. I just needed supportive people to show up. Those who have shown up for me in this time will always be in my heart.  Now that I know what horrible, breath stealing grief feels like, I want to run to people who are feeling it and just hug them. Not avoid them. I want to help them hold their grief for just a second because I now know how heavy it is. 

I say I'm part of the grief club now because experiencing it is something only those who have been through it will understand. I feel like I understand other people who are hurting better now. We belong to the suckiest club that ever was. But, I won't avoid grief in others anymore. I won't let it put distance between me and someone hurting. Grief wants to create space sometimes.

I have learned that grieving can look different every day. Earlier this week I thought, "Ok, I can totally get through this." I went to a girls night and laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I got on with the routine of life and put my pain to the side. I was acting normal and getting stuff done. Then, a couple days ago my grief knocked me right on my back again. Mothers Day is this weekend. I got sad, irritated, angry, lethargic, short tempered, and couldn't seem to get anything done. I get angry that I'm not going to have my Mom with me for the rest of my life. I get angry that other people still get to have their Mom. I feel guilty that maybe my amazing Mom didn't know how important she was to me, or what a big hole she would leave in my life. I get frustrated and sad that my Dad has to go through this. I feel unsure about what our family dynamic will be later on. My kids talk about missing Grandma, and my pain multiplies. I get so worried that life without my Mom will some day seem normal. I freak out that my terrible memory will forget things about her that I want to remember, or that my kids will forget her. I go over the events of the week prior to her passing over and over. I get caught up on lab results she had or what-ifs in her treatment. Those thoughts swirl around. My grief changes right when I think I understand it.

I mention that it changes because my reactions change as well. Someone may say one thing to me and we can hold a conversation about it. Sometimes I will word vomit all these thoughts and feelings when someone asks. Then next day someone else may say the same thing, and I lose my composure. I can handle talking about it sometimes, but other times I can't. I have learned that this rarely has to do with the person I'm talking to. I would never want someone to take it personally if I just can't that day. It's really me not you. Sometimes I want to let my feelings out, and sometimes I can't think about it for another second. Sometimes I want to act normal and have fun, and other times I just can't be normal and have fun.

 That being said, I always appreciate when others take the steps of acknowledging my loss and offering to be there. I had a rough day yesterday and when I got to work last night, I was close to tears. I thought in my head, "I hope no one wants to talk to me about it." I wanted to blend in and not be the girl who lost her Mom. However, the friend I got report from just gave me a big hug, let me know she cared, and asked how I was doing. That completely calmed me down and helped me feel loved. I wasn't asked details or asked to relive certain things. I wasn't judged for acting a certain way either. I was just shown love. Those moments have meant everything to me. (Because it seems to be worse when I'm expected to act normal or like nothing has happened.) I hope I can be more sensitive and give others those moments too. I have appreciated those who keep me busy as well. The invites to normal, fun things. It takes my mind off of the sad for a little bit and helps me feel normal again. 

I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have learned that grief looks different on everyone. Everyone has to go through it their own way. Don't tell anyone how to grieve. If you got through grief one way, that doesn't mean that's how I have to do it. Most of us are just doing what we need to do to get by. (Obviously, I am one that needs to share and document my feelings.) Now knowing this, I want to just support and love my siblings and Dad in whatever way I can. That's really all that helps.  It is better when we are all together, but there is an obvious hole there. I can't even think about the day when it will feel normal without her around. It makes me mad that we have to deal with that. She loved us all and brought us together. 

Having said all of that about grief, I want everyone to know how grateful I am. I am not grateful for my grief, but I am grateful for those who are helping me through it. I also ask that you please be patient with me. Some days I will be on top of my game, but other days I will be weird and sad. Some days I need to carry it alone. I may not come at you with 100% friendship or be there in the ways you may need me right now. I'm sorry for that. Some days there's just not much left to go around. Always let me know though. Let me know how you are feeling. I'm a talk about your feelings kind of person. If you feel awkward around me and don't know what to say, say that. I'm totally awkward sometimes so I get it.

It's good to have a really great and supportive husband while you're grieving your Mother. I've learned that too. He is so patient with my ups and downs. He lets me know he loves me, and tries to just be there for me. My family has been amazing, and although our loss is the worst, we have all moved in closer to each other. We have been through terrible things together, and I wouldn't be doing it sanely without them. I need them to know how important they are to me.

That is another thing grief has taught me. Always let your loved ones know that they mean the world to you. I had heard that a million times before in my life, but I get it now. Show your family how much they mean to you. Tell them every chance you get. My Mom's death was something I didn't see coming and never believed would happen. I thought we had so much more time. I get it now. I don't want to be in this club. I know I will get to see my Mom again and be with her, but I have to do life without her for now. And that stinks. 

Thanks for letting me share my feelings and for those that continue to lift me up. You are so important to me. Also, please forgive spelling and punctuation errors. I typed this all out and was too tired to go back over it more than a couple times. My brain isn't super sharp right now so just pretend like it's perfect.