New Blog!

Our new family blog is @ www.benavidesfam.wordpress.com

We Are Still Good.

I've had these thoughts swirling around in my mind for a few weeks. I think I've made sense of them now. Also, I'm a feelings sharer, so here we go...

This year has been a very difficult one for me, and at times has made me wonder about spiritual things. When I say spiritual things I mean faith, hope, prayer, God, religion, eternity, etc.

During the process of losing my Mom I remember my Dad saying to me, "If we lose her, God and I will still be good." (I'm so grateful for the strong faith of my Dad.) I remember thinking, "Ummm I don't know about me and God." I remember wondering if losing my Mom would be the straw that broke the camels back. 

If I'm being honest, I started to lose some faith during my fertility issues. You would think that now having three beautiful, amazing kids would restore that, but I was holding a grudge for the rough times. As I went through the process of losing my Mom, I found myself running through all the different emotions and questions. I wondered if I was still strong enough spiritually to make it through those days with my faith intact. 

Here I am six months later with a different perspective and a few of the answers I was looking for some time ago. 

I look back on the hard times and can see Gods love for me manifesting in ways that I didn't realize at the time. Even when I wasn't reaching out for Him, and in fact, I was pushing Him away, He was there reaching for me. 

This past General Conference, it was said that "the Lord is in the small details of our lives." That stuck out to me, because I started recognizing Him at times when I previously couldn't see. 

1. I realized that the Lord led my child's path exactly where it needed to go, despite my resistance for His help. My son is loved so deeply that his loving Heavenly Father was creating the perfect path for him. I wasn't necessarily in the best place to lean on God, but He helped me along to make sure my son was getting the best. So, despite my own weakness, the Lord compensated to strengthen my son. 
2. He sent people to me to reduce my stress/anxiety. I'm a talk it out person, and sometimes I would just start talking to someone about something and get exactly what I needed. At times it would seem insignificant, but I would later look back on the conversation as a turning point. How did these people know exactly what to say in order to help me? I believe that God was reaching out to me through them. My whole family has been shown so much love. 
3. He gave me a very clear and strong answer about my Mom. I resisted God a lot the week I lost my Mom. At first, I was sure everything would be ok, and then when I realized it wouldn't be, I pushed Him away even more. I was definitely optimistic for most of that week. I continued to believe that she would get better, and everything would be fine. I tried and tried to convince everyone else of that too. I'm a nurse who happens to work on the exact floor she was on in a different hospital. I had seen some of what was happening before. I was convinced this was just another hospital visit for her. The morning we lost her, I woke up feeling anxious. I was driving to the hospital to see her again and received a very strong impression. I suddenly knew that I would lose my Mom. I lost it immediately and showed up to the hospital a mess. We lost her later that day. Looking back on that time, I would wonder why I could be so oblivious and positive. But I have come to the conclusion that I needed both the optimism and the strong answer at the end. (I almost don't want to say answer, because I was refusing to ask.) My optimism protected me from a week that could have been even harder, and my strong answer at the end gave me the realization I needed to accept what was happening. The optimism I had didn't totally erase my anxiety, sadness, and fear that week. It did cushion me from completely losing it that whole week. The strong impression I received on the car ride over was given to me loudly through ears that didn't want to hear. It let me know that this was His will, and it was right for my Mom. I won't ever question if it was the right time. I needed the optimism AND the strong answer for peace. 
4. My sweet, perfect :) Lyndy Loo. I waited four years for that squishy baby. I wanted her so badly and begged to get her. I tried fertility treatments when I didn't get her. I stopped fertility treatments when I didn't get her. I gave up trying for her. I got calloused towards prayer. Yet, I got her right when I needed her. I have had other people recognize this and comment to me about it. I got my sweet Lynden right before I lost my Mom. My Mom was able to meet her and love on her, and I was able to love on her when I lost my Mom. I often say that Lynden has been my bright sunshine through the terrible storm. I just look at her and smile. I don't know if she'll ever realize how much she saved me. All my family saved me.
5. I still have my Ben, and he is healthy. We recently had a scare with Ben's health. I woke up to Ben having a seizure-- which was one of the scariest things ever. I immediately started praying for him to be OK. I had previously thought in anger, "What is even the point of praying for something if God's will is going to happen anyway?" When I immediately started praying during the seizure, I got my answer. My turn to prayer was automatic. I turned to the Lord for help and peace. I needed a clear mind and to feel that we were being watched over. I got both of those things. My amazing brother-in-law came and took Ben to the hospital. After they left, I had a pretty good freak out, but then I was calm. The following days of continued tests and questions were all easier because I had peace that everything was fine. I didn't question if Ben would be ok again. I remember getting to the hospital after getting my kids taken care of, seeing him asleep on the ER bed, and just knowing he would be well. It was a hard few days, but it was easier with the comfort of the Lord. 

I see His hand in my life. I can't deny it. Even while I resist, His love is perfect. This year has been a doozy, and I have been allowed to go through a number of trials. It's easy for me to throw my hands up and think "give me a break here!" It's easy for me to feel picked on or angry. But my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have been with me through it all, and I see that. I see that even when I don't believe in myself, they believe in me. I see that when I don't think I can make it through, they know I can. 

I'm a work in progress, and I still have much to work on. I definitely let certain things slip this year and feel like I missed out on even more blessings, because I was unwilling to get them. BUT what I've witnessed in my life this year is that God doesn't give up on you ever, even when you give up on Him. That is amazing. 

So, me and God-- we are still good. 

My Grief

Well here it is. The thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind since losing my Mom a month ago. I know I haven't invented grief. I know I'm definitely not the first one to ever feel it. Im not the first person to ever loose their Mom or a loved one. I'm just going to share what I know about it. I know I probably have much more to learn, but I'm going to share what I have learned in this short time. 

(I started to try and order these a certain way, but I'm just going to go with what comes to my mind first)

One thing I have learned is that loss can bring you closer to some people and farther away from others. Some people immediately show up and want to take some of the burden. They let you know they are there and just love you. I haven't always been good at that. Before I knew what grief felt like, I sometimes would avoid grief in others, because I didn't know what to do or say. I have heard that a lot. "I don't even know what to say..." But I have learned that just even saying that means enough. Trying to comfort me has meant enough. In my grief I haven't needed anyone to say the perfect thing.  Honestly, because words don't really help when you loose someone. I just needed supportive people to show up. Those who have shown up for me in this time will always be in my heart.  Now that I know what horrible, breath stealing grief feels like, I want to run to people who are feeling it and just hug them. Not avoid them. I want to help them hold their grief for just a second because I now know how heavy it is. 

I say I'm part of the grief club now because experiencing it is something only those who have been through it will understand. I feel like I understand other people who are hurting better now. We belong to the suckiest club that ever was. But, I won't avoid grief in others anymore. I won't let it put distance between me and someone hurting. Grief wants to create space sometimes.

I have learned that grieving can look different every day. Earlier this week I thought, "Ok, I can totally get through this." I went to a girls night and laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I got on with the routine of life and put my pain to the side. I was acting normal and getting stuff done. Then, a couple days ago my grief knocked me right on my back again. Mothers Day is this weekend. I got sad, irritated, angry, lethargic, short tempered, and couldn't seem to get anything done. I get angry that I'm not going to have my Mom with me for the rest of my life. I get angry that other people still get to have their Mom. I feel guilty that maybe my amazing Mom didn't know how important she was to me, or what a big hole she would leave in my life. I get frustrated and sad that my Dad has to go through this. I feel unsure about what our family dynamic will be later on. My kids talk about missing Grandma, and my pain multiplies. I get so worried that life without my Mom will some day seem normal. I freak out that my terrible memory will forget things about her that I want to remember, or that my kids will forget her. I go over the events of the week prior to her passing over and over. I get caught up on lab results she had or what-ifs in her treatment. Those thoughts swirl around. My grief changes right when I think I understand it.

I mention that it changes because my reactions change as well. Someone may say one thing to me and we can hold a conversation about it. Sometimes I will word vomit all these thoughts and feelings when someone asks. Then next day someone else may say the same thing, and I lose my composure. I can handle talking about it sometimes, but other times I can't. I have learned that this rarely has to do with the person I'm talking to. I would never want someone to take it personally if I just can't that day. It's really me not you. Sometimes I want to let my feelings out, and sometimes I can't think about it for another second. Sometimes I want to act normal and have fun, and other times I just can't be normal and have fun.

 That being said, I always appreciate when others take the steps of acknowledging my loss and offering to be there. I had a rough day yesterday and when I got to work last night, I was close to tears. I thought in my head, "I hope no one wants to talk to me about it." I wanted to blend in and not be the girl who lost her Mom. However, the friend I got report from just gave me a big hug, let me know she cared, and asked how I was doing. That completely calmed me down and helped me feel loved. I wasn't asked details or asked to relive certain things. I wasn't judged for acting a certain way either. I was just shown love. Those moments have meant everything to me. (Because it seems to be worse when I'm expected to act normal or like nothing has happened.) I hope I can be more sensitive and give others those moments too. I have appreciated those who keep me busy as well. The invites to normal, fun things. It takes my mind off of the sad for a little bit and helps me feel normal again. 

I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have learned that grief looks different on everyone. Everyone has to go through it their own way. Don't tell anyone how to grieve. If you got through grief one way, that doesn't mean that's how I have to do it. Most of us are just doing what we need to do to get by. (Obviously, I am one that needs to share and document my feelings.) Now knowing this, I want to just support and love my siblings and Dad in whatever way I can. That's really all that helps.  It is better when we are all together, but there is an obvious hole there. I can't even think about the day when it will feel normal without her around. It makes me mad that we have to deal with that. She loved us all and brought us together. 

Having said all of that about grief, I want everyone to know how grateful I am. I am not grateful for my grief, but I am grateful for those who are helping me through it. I also ask that you please be patient with me. Some days I will be on top of my game, but other days I will be weird and sad. Some days I need to carry it alone. I may not come at you with 100% friendship or be there in the ways you may need me right now. I'm sorry for that. Some days there's just not much left to go around. Always let me know though. Let me know how you are feeling. I'm a talk about your feelings kind of person. If you feel awkward around me and don't know what to say, say that. I'm totally awkward sometimes so I get it.

It's good to have a really great and supportive husband while you're grieving your Mother. I've learned that too. He is so patient with my ups and downs. He lets me know he loves me, and tries to just be there for me. My family has been amazing, and although our loss is the worst, we have all moved in closer to each other. We have been through terrible things together, and I wouldn't be doing it sanely without them. I need them to know how important they are to me.

That is another thing grief has taught me. Always let your loved ones know that they mean the world to you. I had heard that a million times before in my life, but I get it now. Show your family how much they mean to you. Tell them every chance you get. My Mom's death was something I didn't see coming and never believed would happen. I thought we had so much more time. I get it now. I don't want to be in this club. I know I will get to see my Mom again and be with her, but I have to do life without her for now. And that stinks. 

Thanks for letting me share my feelings and for those that continue to lift me up. You are so important to me. Also, please forgive spelling and punctuation errors. I typed this all out and was too tired to go back over it more than a couple times. My brain isn't super sharp right now so just pretend like it's perfect.

Lynden's Birthday

Lynden June Benavides officially joined our family on February 6, 2017 at 8:47 am. Her due date was February 12th, and I was 39 weeks and 1 day when she decided to join us. I was scheduled to be induced the 7th, but she decided to come early.


I was up most of the night before with regular contractions, but they never got strong enough to make me think I needed to go in. The next day was Sunday, and I just tried to take it easy and rest. I didn't have any contractions on Sunday, but woke up at 1:00am that morning with very strong contractions. As soon as I felt the first one, I knew it was go time. I waited until 2:00am to wake up Ben and was timing the contractions. They were very consistent and about 3-5 minutes apart. I called my brother (he had offered to be available at all times to come stay with our kids) to come hang at our house while our kids slept, and we got our stuff together.


We got to the hospital at 3:00 am, and the contractions were pretty strong by then. They had me stay in triage and called the on call Dr. I was dilated to a four by then, but the Dr wanted to "watch my progress." So they said they would keep me in triage for an hour and see if I progressed. I definitely knew the difference between contractions and labor contractions, so I was not excited about waiting longer. Luckily, my water broke 30 minutes later, and they admitted me.


By 4:00am I was in a room and waiting for my epidural. After that, it was just waiting time. My body was ready to go by 7:00am, but they wanted to wait for my Dr to get there at 8:00 to start pushing. Baby and I were comfortable so we waited. It should be mentioned that Ben waited until 1:00am to go to sleep that night and only slept until 2:00am when I woke him up. Luckily, I went to bed at 10:00pm so I got a little sleep. My Dr got there around 8:15am, and I started pushing soon after that. I really didn't have to push much, and baby joined us at 8:47am. The most exciting part of the day was everyone waiting to see if it was a girl or boy. The Dr held her right up, and I saw right away, GIRL!! Waiting to find out the gender was such an exciting thing. I loved that moment, and will always remember seeing my girl for the first time. One of the first things I said was, "Maebry got her sister!!!"


I had the name Lynden for some time, but wasn't able to decide on a middle name. I told Ben he was in charge of the middle name, but he wasn't able to come up with one. I had given him a few names I was thinking of, but we never decided on one. Right after she was born, Ben said Lynden June. She is healthy, beautiful, and my heaviest baby so far. 8lbs 4 oz and 21 inches. We love our Lynden, and I am so grateful for the smooth delivery and healthy baby. I haven't stopped snuggling her since she was born.

Black and White Nursery

I finished the room for Baby #3 today!

The room was mostly done but missing a few finishing touches.
I needed something gender neutral since we aren't finding out what Baby B is.
I decided to go with black and white, because I love that look.
Here is my favorite wall in the room.





This wall was one of the first things I worked on.
The wall was actually painted pink and needed to be painted back to white.
I sewed the banner using different black and white fabrics.
The tassels are made from yard to give them a bulky look.
Ben even got involved putting the triangle decals on the wall.

The window has light gray blackout curtains that make this room perfect for naps :)

The curtains were courtesy of my sister, Nicole.

I added the queen bed on a whim when my Dad offered me one.

It has seriously been my favorite addition.

I am so happy we have an extra bed in the baby room.

It is already a favorite spot for everyone, and I will probably spend many nights with baby there.

I made the white bear blanket some time ago and haven't had a place to put it.

It works perfectly in here!

I have gone a little crazy making pillows for this bed!

It started with the lumpy gray cloud and grew from there.

The black and white plaid pillow is a favorite of mine.

I ordered a reversible comforter for the bed as well.

If I get sick of black, the other side is gray.

The opposite wall has a collage of pictures and sayings and the changing table.

This dresser/changing table is the same on I used for Maebry.

I did switch out all the knobs from bright pink flowers to black ones.

I made a black and white stripe cover for the changing pad as well.

Here is a close up of my gallery wall.

Some of these sayings will be replaced with baby pictures, but are filled for now. 

I also added a pom pom garland made with white yarn and black felt balls. 

My favorite: "As Long As I'm Living My Baby You'll Be."

I cry every time I read that book!

One of the newest additions to the room is this cute panda lamp.

I actually consider this lamp a splurge, but I wanted a lamp in the room and just look at it!

The glider in the room is the one I got when I was expecting Paxton.

It still works perfectly, and I made another plaid pillow for it!

This long black frame was added to fill space. Hah.

I'm thinking at some point I will add wire and pictures or something.

For now, its just a frame that tricks me into thinking it's a mirror.

I also loved the print on this canvas basket and got it for laundry.  

The crib is the same one I've used for both kiddos.

I painted it white for Maebry, and was happy to leave it that way!

I made a gray stripe side rail cover to protect from little teeth.

I didn't have one with Maebry, and she took a few bites out of it.

This black and white bunny blanket is one of my favorite things in the room.

I also searched for the black and white triangle fabric for the crib sheet for quite a while.

I stalked the fabric store for it until they told me they probably wouldn't be getting any more.

I finally ordered it from the website, because it was sold out everywhere else.

I just needed it.

The crib quilt is just black and white strips of fabric.

I did black vertical squiggly lines for the quilting part.

The back of the quilt is big black and white stripes.

I set out a little outfit on the changing table, and it makes me so excited.

I crocheted a little hat that match the plaid pants I bought for baby.

The bear socks are just the cutest too.

I am so excited to meet this new little baby.

Having the room done just makes it that much more real.

I find Maebry in the room all the time, and can't wait to bring baby home to it.