Infertility Makes Me Crazy. Trust in the Lord.

I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this, but I want to get it down. This may be too personal. Some people may think, 'why does she have to share all this?' However, I think there is some explanation that needs to be shared. So here I go....

Last year was the worst. Sure, I can think of good things that happened, but overall it was just the worst. Of course I can see people who have it worse than me. Of course some people may think 'oh that's nothing!' But for me, it was the worst. So here I go explaining. 

The underlying problem of last year was infertility. I believe that made everything else harder. People who have this struggle understand that it takes over almost every aspect of life. When you want something so badly, that you believe is a righteous desire, it's hard to understand why it isn't happening for you. Last year was actually year three of infertility since Maebry, but last year became unbearable because the loss of hope. 

Rewind: I have actually had trouble getting pregnant with both of our children. It took at least a year for both. I never went to a fertility doctor for either kid, and finally got pregnant on our own. Both times I started wondering if I should, right when it would happen. I wasn't too worried about it after Maebry because I knew it would happened again eventually. Being a mother is what has brought me some of my greatest joys. The moment I had Paxton, I just knew I was meant for this. I can't think of anything I'd rather do than spend my time with the loves of my life. They make me so happy, and life is better when they are around. So, of course I want more of them! 

Here's the problem with my infertility last year, it made me act like someone I don't want to be, thus making it the worst. 

-I pulled away from everyone. Friends and family. I isolated myself because I was sad and angry. I had people texting me wondering if I was still alive. I didn't want to be the sad person so I just stayed away. Also, when you are with family and friends, they want to talk about it. Naturally, people have started wondering if and when we want more kids. The questions bothered me. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to talk about everyones pregnancy and happiness either. This is where some of the explanation is important. Some of these people got offended by my behavior. (Which was definitely justified.) They knew I was pulling away but didn't know why. I didn't want to explain it, and they thought it was their fault. I'm sorry for that. It wasn't you, it was me! 

-The worst part of last year was that I started pulling away from my faith. I started doubting things that I had always known. I stopped doing the things that I needed to do to stay close to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have always had such strong faith in prayer, but when you feel like your prayers haven't been answered in years, it can wear on you. I felt all alone, and I didn't think I was getting any answers. This aspect of my life had the biggest impact on some of my year and behavior. I believe this loss of faith is what made everything else seem worse. This was another reason I pulled away from others. I was bitter and not very great company to be in. 

- I felt guilty. We have two amazing, phenomenal kids. Why was I so upset if I couldn't have more? Some people never get to have any biological kids, and here I was crying about infertility. At least I got to do it twice! Why couldn't I just feel complete with two kids?? 

-I was angry about not being able to plan my life. I have always wanted to be able to say, "I'm planning on getting pregnant this month so I can have the baby this month." I got angry when people laughed that "whoops they got pregnant!" Why couldn't I have a 'whoops' baby?? There are actually a lot of things that can be said to someone that is dealing with infertility that can be hurtful. Even saying "Oh, it looks like it's your turn to have another one!" How do you say, "well I've actually been trying for years!" Without making it awkward? Comparison really is the thief of joy. 

-I actually did start seeing a fertility Doctor about 7 months ago. (I've taken breaks during that time.) She hasn't found anything terribly wrong. There have been a few problems, but nothing that should be making it this hard. Seeing a fertility doctor can almost be worse than not seeing one. The roller coaster of emotions each month can be even crazier. The medications and hormones I was on made everything heightened. Plus, you get even more excited that this will be the month, and even more disappointed when it's not. 

There were some other factors that were involved too, like dealing with Paxton stuff through this, but I'm sticking with infertility on this post. 

So, there is most of the background, and now here is why I want to share it. I 100% know now, without a doubt, that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that His plan for me will always be better than my own. I had some very dark, questioning days where I wasn't sure about that. But I know now more than anything that it is true. It's taken me some time to get to this place, which is mostly my fault, but I'm here. Here in this place doesn't mean all my worry for the future is gone. It doesn't mean my faith is perfect now. It DOES mean that I can be happy and work on becoming a better person. 

The change in me started at church one day I heard something along the lines of: Trust in the Lord. He is always the answer. 
I felt like I wasn't getting answers, but maybe that was my answer. Turn to Christ. Later that night I was talking to my sister who understands my infertility struggles and I said, "I just have to find a way to be happy whether I have more kids or not. I can't keep riding this roller coaster. I have to find a way to be happy." 

 The next week at church, conveniently, the discussion was about how the Lord's plan may not be our plan, but His is better. I got the distinct impression again that if the Lord only ever gives us two kids then I still need to be happy. I need to trust in the Lord. I need to have a good, full life no matter what. Trust being the important thing I had been missing. 

There has been a change in me since then. Have I been perfect? Nope. But I have come a very long way in a short amount of time. I've started doing the things I need to do to be closer to God again. 

My faith and hope for the future is back. I am not pregnant. I don't know if I will be again any time soon. I know I have a lot more time for that to happen. My timeline is something I have clung to and need to let go of. I still want to have more kids. I am on the fence about continuing with fertility treatments. I probably will take some time off from that. I'm taking some time to get back to where I want to be spiritually and emotionally.

Some good things that have come from all this? 

I made a best friend and we bonded over some of the toughest things we've had to go through. She is also struggling with infertility and understands my pain like others never will. She has definitely seen me in my worst moments and loved me anyways. I will love her forever and am glad we got to be so close. 

I once again realized that I have the most amazing husband ever. He has dealt with some serious crazy this past year, and he's stood by me through it all. His attitude all along has been that he's grateful for our two perfect kids, and if we have more that's great. That attitude annoyed me at times, because I needed him to want it as much as I did. However, I realize that one of us needed to stay sane to help the other one out. His outlook all along has been where I have finally arrived. I love my husband.

My love for running has deepened. I have always loved running, but this year it has been my therapy. I depend on my runs now and love that I am able to just get out there! I have had some crying, praying, begging, and lots of laughing and joy on those runs. 

You have to go through the hard stuff to get to the really good stuff right ;) This probably would have made me roll my eyes not too long ago, but now I'm going with it! I can also look back at that time and recognize those times I was supported by my Savior even when I didn't quite deserve it or notice. 

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If I haven't been the person you wanted me to be this past year, I'm sorry. I got very caught up in my own problems and got very selfish. I didn't really see past my situation. As much as it seriously sucked, I think I had to go through it. It's taken some time to get me humble. 

I'm thankful for those that still hung in there with me. I'm thankful for those that listened to me without judging. I'm thankful that I continued to go to church through that rough time. I'm thankful to my Savior for loving me no matter what and knowing who I really am instead of who I was choosing to be. 

From here on out I'm going to try and trust in the Lord and His plan for me. (Someone remind me I said this if I start getting crazy again! Haha jk!)

Thanks for reading my post. Getting it out into words always helps me heal. I have always believed that sharing experiences can help others. I have been helped by others' words. I have a very strong testimony of the Atonement and know that I can be forgiven. I believe we can all become who we were meant to be if we trust in the Lord, and that person will be a million times better than the one we can think up!